Seriously?

Let me tell you about one thing that I hate. I hate when you go to a store, or a bank, or anywhere, and there are two lines of people waiting for service. You pull up (or walk up) and both lines have one person in them. You choose a line, which undoubtedly will have a woman in it with two thousand coupons, a price check and a carton of broken eggs. As you are standing there, someone comes up and gets in the other line. Now, even though you have been standing there for (possibly) a lot longer than they have, they are served first because the person in front of them finishes first. In fact, they are out the door and you are still standing there waiting on the clearance item and a new carton of farm fresh.

For this scenario, I have a solution. Although there are two cashiers, form one line and when a cashier is free, the next person goes. Fair for all, right? Now, it is a little different when there are 3.6 million people waiting for service, but in the case of a Walgreens at 9pm, you would thing it would be the perfect way to achieve fairness!

So, I get my laundry detergent and head to the checkout. Two lines - one person in each. I hang back, because I am the only person waiting, and I figure whichever one opens up first, I will go to. A woman walks up behind me.

Her: Are you waiting in line?
Me: Yeah, I was just waiting for whichever one is done first.
Her: ::rolls eyes:: ::stands there, hand on hip:: ::waits...::
Her: ::sighs and chooses a line, which, of course, ended up being the shorter of the two.::

Nice, and nice. That's all I can say.

Groundhog Day

Oh...hello long week. Isn't it so weird how the days pass by so slowly, but the months pass by so quickly? I think I'll get out my Halloween decor now since I am going to blink and it will be here. I know it wouldn't shock anyone if I actually did. You are talking to the woman who just took her Christmas tree down last week. Tim is right. It kinda takes the fun out of the festivities when, instead of hauling in a freshly chopped down tree, you are getting into the spirit of the season by assembling and fluffing artificial pine needles. Painless, however, but still not overly exciting in the Christmas cheer department.

Not too much on the list of crazies today. I have been hanging in my abode gathering an abundance of cabin fever. I'm really hoping that Spring comes soon. When the hell is groundhog day anyway? And can we just cut the bullshit, and hide the damn shadow? We can send a man to the moon (or at least pretend to), but we can't hide a shadow from a groundhog? We've got issues.

As for the tanner, I am enjoying it, other than the encounter I had on Tuesday night. Hello, lobster legs! The girl told me to try this new bed, but put me in it too long. I fried like a ...whatever fries a lot. I'm out of wit for the day. Come back tomorrow. It's laundry time.

Texting While Driving

I feel really strongly about this, so I figured it was worth dedicating a blog to.

If you are a texter, most likely you text while you drive. Even with your kids in the car. I did. I did for a long time, even though I knew it was dangerous. We live in a society where our lack of time management results in unnecessary, and sometimes dangerous, multi-tasking.

Now, I know a lot of you will read this, and you will think to yourself (as I did) that I am stupid for even posting this and that you don't need to worry because you are a 'great texter'. But I hope that you watch the video below with an open heart. It is not about you. If you want to get in an accident because of your own stupidity, that is totally your call, however it is about the other people you are going to kill, and the families you are going to hurt while you selfishly continue to pay attention to your cell phone instead of the road. And it does happen.

When we went to Tim's annual training for work is when I realized that something needed to change. I would text every time I was in the car, even when my kids were there. The commander showed this video, and I haven't done it since. If this makes even one of you stop and think about what you're doing, then I have accomplished my goal. Please watch the video.

This video is being used in the UK as a public service announcement. It is graphic, but well worth watching.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVQg8h_JmkY

A Dick and Jane Adventure

I had to write about this for you to enjoy. Some of you have heard this story, but it's a good one that others won't want to miss out on. I am reminded of it because this particular friend is still trying to score a relationship with this other particular woman. We'll call them Dick and Jane.

I have a great friend from high school that I talk to once in a while. His name is Dick. He has a hard time getting women, but there is one that he is interested in that we also went to school with. She is the queen of mixed signals, but that is neither here nor there. He's not exactly a charmer, which results in awkward silences and strange looks, and needless to say, no second dates.

It was around Christmas last year when he asked her out on a date. He went and picked her up, and she was wearing heels.

Jane: What are we going to do tonight? I want to wear proper footwear.
Dick: I thought we might go walk around Bronson park.
Jane: Oh, okay, I'll get some other shoes.
Dick: You should be okay.
Jane: What if I slip and fall?
Dick: Don't worry. I'll catch you...I'm really strong. I can practically bench about 600 lbs.
Jane: :::looks at him and says nothing:::

L M A O. I almost died when I heard this. Seriously? I'm really strong? He may as well have said, "listen, ya fat fatty, don't squash me on your way down." I asked him, "are you serious?! You really said this?! You can't bench that much! Or even close to it. What did she say?!"

His response?

"I don't think she gets my humor."

English for Dummies

I actually had a different post idea ready for today, but when this happened last night, I knew it had to be written about ASAP, as I know it will be enjoyable for all.

I got a chance to go to the tanner last night. When I first went in, I was talking to the girl about different kinds of beds. At this point, you can practically be microwaved for two seconds and DING! You're done. For me, this defeats the purpose because I like to be in the light. Either way...it's here nor there.

So I am talking to her about her super-deluxe-microwaver and the extra-super-fanciful-bronzing-devices and asked her what the difference was in the beds, other than $30 to upgrade. This folks, and I quote, is exactly what she said.

Me: So what is the actual difference in the beds?
Her: Well, this one has more UVB rayses than the other one.

Yes, that is right. Apparently "rayses" is the pluralized form of ray. I kinda cocked my head and looked at her, as if to say...hum-a-nuh-huh?

Her: Yeah, each of the beds has different amounts of rayses. Like this one has more UVA rayses, and the other one has more UVB rayses because one is used for burning and one is used for bronzing. So, when you change the amount of rayses...

She just kept saying it. And all I could think to myself is...you've just made the blog. Not to mention the fact that she had previously informed me that she had been in tanning for five years. Really? For five years, every client that has asked you about the beds has been told about the rayses?

As a side note, I would also like to talk briefly about the general public getting an English lesson.

"Your going too walk threw there door." (If you don't understand what is wrong with this sentence, clearly you are one of the ones who needs to get an "English for Dummies" book.)

That looks like something I would find on many of my friends facebook pages. So, if this is you, I am sorry. But it annoys me. I can't stand it. Honestly, did you just not pay attention in school? That is something you learn in like...grade school, right? How do you not know the difference between to and too? How do you not know the difference between then and than? How do you not know the difference between through and threw? Seriously? Is this a joke? It's petty, I know. But we really need to start correcting people. My friend told me that it's the only way people are going to learn, and I think she's right. I said, "I don't want to embarrass them," and she said "Yeah, but it will be enough to make them remember." So true, and let's face it, the most important thing is for people to stop annoying me, right?

Good news is, it gave me something to blog about today, and something for you to enjoy. So, Miss Tanning Manager...if you are reading this, take an English course...and pay attention.

Is it Spring yet?

g'morning. I am having stress over this house. It is a mess. It is a Christmas mess, and it is a regular mess. I can't seem to shake the Christmasness from it. Maybe taking down the tree would help, but that sounds like a lot of work. Maybe tomorrow.

Tim finally did do this 'chores' this morning, after three days of not emptying the dishwasher. You see, the first two days, I was understanding and I just emptied it for him. Yesterday I woke up to a shit-ton of dishes in the sink and...you guessed it! A FULL dishwasher! Now, I don't mind loading up an already emptied dishwasher, but I'm not doing both. I already re-folded three mile-high stacks of t-shirts and did four loads of laundry (and folded it!) yesterday. So I just let them sit there. And sit there. And sit there. Until we were nearly out of clean dishes. In fact, they were covering the counters. When he got home, to his surprise, his chores weren't done for him. I then informed him that I would NOT be doing those dishes, and that if they didn't get done by him, and I ran out of dishes...there would be no dinner. How can I make dinner in dirty pans? Needless to say, he was extremely grumpy this morning because he had 'things to do' but the dishes did get done. Guess he should have thought about that the three previous days when he decided to sleep in that extra hour.

I didn't get a chance to go tan last night and see the wanna-be-bahama-bitches, but it worked out okay because I got my groceries for the week. We are starting the Game On! Diet again, and I'm stoked. Well, not really. At the moment I am drowning in water and wishing for a bagel. I am mostly just stoked for losing weight. Can I get a fast forward to four weeks from now, please?

Vitamin D

I am not getting enough vitamin D. I am grouchy and the world is gloomy, and I don't feel like having sex, so I have my husband constantly humping me. Literally, I will be making breakfast and he just walks up and starts humping my butt, or my leg. Don't lie, you know this happens to you too. They are animals. Literally. But it annoys me either way. The humping and wiener shaking, and examining themselves in the mirror...let's face it, they are worse than women.

So anyway, I started going to the tanner. I know there are mixed review on whether or not you are getting enough vitamin D from the tanner to make you feel better, but whatever the answer is, it makes me feel better, which is all that really matters.

For a few days I called around to find out which salon I wanted to go to. Why is it that nearly ever person at every tanning salon is a total bitch? Especially on the phone. Wake up, honey. We aren't actually living in California, contrary to what you and your 12 inch waist may think when you are laying your tiny bronzed ass in the tanning bed for 20 minutes a day. Get over yourself and come back to reality. You are no better than I am, living in this God-forsaken state of depression and snow. And snow, and snow and snow. If you want to act like you live in Hollywood, maybe you should move right out there. I am sure they would be happy to have you. Maybe next time I should say that.

You can't fix stupid...

Extra, extra, read all about it. I am starting a new blog. This one isn't for the faint of heart. Yes, that's right, you may be talked about right in front of your very own face. It's all in good humor, but I love nothing more than sharing the ins and outs of my life full of crazies, run-ins with people that make you want to shoot yourself, and my favorite - dumb people. One thing I know for sure - you can't fix stupid. And boy, am I glad, because it sure would take a lot of the humor out of life.

It's a toss up. I could end up with a lot of loving readers who are secretly thinking the things I am writing and are too scared to say them, or I may end up with no readers at all.

One of my favorite things that anyone ever told me was this. "I'm trying this new thing...it's called not biting my tongue." -Amy Swager

So here's to your morning cup. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I KNOW that I will enjoy writing it. Cheers!